my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
