Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
