If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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