two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
