my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize