also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
