I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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