WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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