Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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