dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
