Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I want to have your abortion
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
