I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize