I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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