he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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