I'd wear matching sweaters with you
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
