how can u be prego again
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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