well you can't waste a boner
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
