its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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