This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
