Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
