do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
