Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
