i wish starbucks made bloody marys
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
