dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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