It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So vagazzling was a success
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
