I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
