pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
