You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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