I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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