I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Be still, my beating vagina.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
