Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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