hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
