My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
