I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
