he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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