they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
