Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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