you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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