I wish I could punch you in the face.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
