the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
