she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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