i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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