Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
