just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
