you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
