it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
