Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
