I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
