every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
you had me at cake vodka
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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