# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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