isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
