He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You took a bar mat shot.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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