my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
