My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
