all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
