see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
