You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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