We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
