Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
